SNAKE: You should totally eat this apple. Totally.
EVE: God said no.
SNAKE: Whatever, I guess God is the boss of you.
EVE: Nobody’s the boss of me!
[EVE EATS FRUIT]
EVE: Wow, I so have knowledge of both good and also evil!
ADAM: What’s going on?
EVE: Knowledge. Get some.
[ADAM EATS FRUIT]
ADAM: This kicks ignorance’s ass!
EVE: I’m aware of that. And many other things! Like, you have a penis.
ADAM: Omigod. So true. And you have, I wanna say, “a vagina,” but that sounds kind of medical. Let’s cover ourselves with leaves.
[RUMBLING SOUND OF GOD’S FOOTSTEPS]
GOD: Who told you you were naked?
EVE: Is it that hard to figure out?
GOD: As I planned things, yes, it should have been hard to figure out.
EVE: Then your plan sucks.
GOD: Ok, everyone out of Eden!
EVE: Not so fast!
[EVE SHOOTS GOD WITH HER AWESOME SUPER EYEBEAMS]
GOD: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! That is uncool!
EVE: So can we stay in Eden?
GOD: Do I have a choice in this?
EVE: Yeah, but the choice involves you getting hit with eyebeams.
GOD: I am not in favor of that. Whatever, if you decide to go close the gate behind you.
EVE: Thanks! [To Adam] So, what do you think that penis thing does?
ADAM: I don’t know, but I’m overwhelmingly certain that I want to find out.
The End

Precis for “Chastity Opening,” the sequel to “Chastity Aflame.”

Chastity is in New York city, in 2003 (the most romantic year). All the great labor leaders of the past (Joe Hill, Eugene V. Debs, Samuel Gompers, basically any sexy-hot unionist) rise from the dead and come to NY. Chastity is surprised, and then her consciousness of the relation between wealth, infrastructure and the exploitation of the worker is raised. The labor leaders shamble to Chinatown, where they all get waxed (this is the most important sequence, and really needs to capture the essence of pulling hair off the scrotums of men who fought for the 5-day workweek). Chastity, seeing the tender flesh of Joe Hill’s inner thigh, begins to fellate, not so much him, but the very concept of wage equity. Later, a typhoon washes them all to sea.

Sequel: Chastity Adrift! coming soon.

Darling,

I have planned our wedding, and it is both intimate and epic.

We start on home plate, in our fur-suits, surrounded by dying whales. The bridesmaids play infield positions, the groomsmen outfield positions. The officiant, a Dick Cheney impersonator, is on the mound. He approaches us (the “pitch”) and we realize that he’s a trained bear. We’re already wearing rings, but a hobbit comes up, bites off our ring fingers, and dives into a volcano. Then everyone gets on an Amtrak train as a chorus of civil war re-enactors sing a medley of Elton John songs.

I know I’m forgetting something. Like: what’s your name? Who the fuck are you? Did we meet 15 years ago or something?

I know this is going to be perfect.

Love,
Me

As a professional philosopher, I am frequently asked questions. But just because I am frequently asked questions doesn’t mean that any of those questions are frequently asked. This is exactly the kind of non-trivial distinction that philosophers are so good at. Nonetheless, here are some truth-value bearing answers to several such questions.

What is the meaning of life?
Philosophers get asked this all the time, and the answer is “what the fuck are you talking about? Your question makes no fucking sense! Learn to speak English!”

What do you mean?
I mean “what do you mean?” What are you asking? Surely not the meaning of the word “life.”

No, no, I mean, what am I supposed to do?
Then why did you say “what’s the meaning of life?” That’s a completely different question! Anyway, what do you mean by “supposed to do”? According to who?

Umm…
Look, if your mom tells you to take out the trash, then you’re supposed to take out the trash, right?

If I was 12 years old and lived at home, sure.
So the meaning of life is to take out the trash.

That can’t be right.
But you just said that “what’s the meaning of life” is the same question as “what am I supposed to do?” So by your own logic the meaning of life is to take out the trash.

Is this why no one talks to philosophers?
Pretty much.

Oedipus

Scene 1: The Oracle at Delphi

Oracle: Your son will grow up to kill his father and have sex with his mother.

Laius: That sounds bad.

Jocasta: Indeed; I’m opposed to that scenario. We should give him to a herdsman and ask the herdsman to set him out on a rock to die of exposure.

Laius: Or we could, you know, kill him ourselves. Just to be sure.

Jocasta: See, this is why you’re the king.

They kill the baby Oedipus

The end.

The artcards are in the mail. If you participated, you’ll get yours shortly. If you didn’t, you’ll never get one for as long as you live, and it’ll haunt you, and then, on your death bed, you’ll feel like you’re just about ready to forgive yourself, and it won’t matter, because your whole life will have been wasted in regret and despair. ArtCard says: forgiveness is for the weak. Here’s a last one to hammer that message home, loser:

John,
Thanks for your crappy campaigning; now I’ve got four years of job security in a recession, and it’s a bitchin’ job! Hey, you know what we call you around here? “Sea foam.” Because you’re white and washed up.
Love,
Barack

Dear Jesus,
Sorry about the piss thing. I know you’re more of a scat guy.
Best wishes,
Andres Serrano

Condi,
I miss you so much. No one here lets me play with any of the model airplanes, and they told me I can only go for walks if I eat all my desert. I hate it here! Hate it hate it hate!
XXOO,
George

Lucifer,
My apologies on the outcome of our last co-operative venture. I take all the blame, and will report for sodomy by demon-goats tomorrow at noon, as you requested.
Your faithful servant,
William Kristol

Dear Britney Spears,
I am your biggest fan ever! 4evah! Please please please send me a birthday card. I am a special child and cannot get out of my wheelchair but I “dance” to your music and watch Britney & Kevin: Chaotic on my DVD player that I got with money from a special book that I wrote by myself! Please send me a card!
Love!
Stephen Hawking

This artcard, which arrives only 8 days prior to the annual Sending Out Of The Return ArtCards, that glorious spring-time event which occurs in winter and makes swallows leave Capistrano for good, was difficult to scan. That’s because it exists not merely in one, nor simply in two, but in three of the currently known 14 dimensions. Thus, it’s a little blurry. But then, so is our national self-image, and to some, that’s a positive thing.

Also, and notably, this ArtCard is by a former Pennsylvanian who has the mutant gene on chromosome 4 which causes a change in the MCR1 protein that leads to unusual follicular pigmentation. No claim is made as to the biological superiority of such people, but clearly it would be wrong to count them as shiftless and prone to knife-wielding, though such is their stereotype.

With only one day left in the tenure of George W. Bush Americans fear that it will be years before another Bush is illegally inserted into the White House. As this sad day draws around us like a venus flytrap, let’s stop for a moment to remember all of the best things about the man who was the best president of the last 8 years:

•Kept us safe from terrorists, except for that one day.

•Didn’t torture anyone named “Sullivan” or “O’Leary.”

•Without him, we wouldn’t know that shoe throwing is a sign of disrespect in the middle east, and would constantly be embarrassed when we threw shoes at people and they didn’t respond with love and affection.

•Second best president of the 21st century.* Soon to be third best!

•That cute party trick he did where he folded up the napkin and made the bunny-voice and started a war for oil.

•His overwhelming love of Jesus and cocaine.

•Prevented the evil Al Gore from taking office and forcing us all to be mildly more sensible in our energy choices.

•Calmed the nerves of Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh.

•Generously gave everyone 300 dollars of their own money.

•Didn’t personally murder anyone with his bare hands.

•Never forbade the use of opposable thumbs.

•Can’t be blamed for over 90% of cancer-related fatalities during his presidency.

•Is mortal.

*we are indebted to Dr. S. Boaz Slote for noting Bush’s high ranking among 21st century American Presidents. We would also add that for at least a few more years he’ll remain the second best white president of the century.